Today started off as a disappointment of a day. I wasn’t feeling well, I was suppose to head to Omaha with a Youth For Christ conference, and again I felt like my body was depriving me of the things that I want to do. I had a headache, oh whats new, right? I also had a very sore throat, lost most of my voice, and just felt icky (yes, that’s a very educated word). So I decided to stay home from the conference thinking I might have Strep as I was exposed to it early in the week.
Thankfully after a visit to the doctors office around 11am, I was negative for strep, and I was feeling a lot better than I had overnight and early this morning. Not wanting to “waste” my day as I was irritated that I could have gone to Omaha with the other YFC volunteers, yet I was home. I started to re-organize my kitchen and bathroom storage.
It was a bitter sweet, but also refreshing. I purged and put into storage all of my “baby” blankets, bibs, and other items in the bathroom storage that I wanted to keep for future grandkids…. Yikes I put special blankets away for GRANDKIDS one day. I said that to Josh, and he just said “ok” and walked away. I stood there in awe that I am moving on from the stage of needing that stuff for my kids, that I am thinking ahead about passing on special blankets on to my kid’s, kids. Who does that? Is that a thing? Over all it was a great experience, I got everything organized and back in order.
Since Rachel passed away, material items don’t have much clout for me at all. I have donated or consigned so many bags of “stuff” since April 2016, I didn’t know where I was Keeping all of it,but it feels great. I will defiantly be continuing on this minimalist lifestyle where everything has a home, and if it doesn’t it goes away.
I got done organizing around 5:15, and Josh came in and said we should go out to eat as a family. So we went to Sioux County Livestock in Sioux Center. Felt like a great family night, the kids weren’t bouncing off the wall like their blood was made of sugar, they were calm and respectful and quiet. Sioux County Livestock was busy we had to wait to be seated, and then once we were, it was a bit for our server to come around and take our drink order. Once she did, the first thought that goes through my mind was “she’s pregnant!” Six months ago, it would have been hard for me to have her at a waitress and be comfortable with it. Not because I was jealous or mad at her for being pregnant, but because I was at a place where it brought me back to when I was pregnant, and the news that my baby was gone. I relive that moment over and over and over in my head weekly, about being in the clinic when the did the ultrasound and Dr. Anderson talking to me “medically” about how “at this gestation we should see….”, trying to find the words to tell me that my baby was dead.
Not today, I was happy for my waitress and it didn’t bring me back to that moment. I was “past” that stage where every pregnant woman brings me back to ground zero. At first I was overjoyed. I told Josh, hey that doesn’t bother me our waitress is pregnant. Dinner was going well, kids were eating and the food was good. Halfway through eating dinner we overhear the waitress talking to a nearby table that the doctors measured her “big” so they had to go in for another ultrasound to determine if it’s twins or not. I chuckle to myself as “been there done that” as Karlee was thought to be a twin. The waitress continues then, then what she said brought me back to April 14th within one moment. I heard it, Josh heard it. He instantly grabbed my shoulder and knew. As soon as I heard it and he grabbed my shoulder, tears were already formed and running down my cheek.She was patiently awaiting the arrival of her baby, April 16th.
Here I am dreading April, and she is anxiously awaiting the same time to celebrate. My appetite was done, I felt like put a stick in my i’m done. Not only was I now crying, there were people standing next to the table waiting to be seated watching me cry, and I still had to interact with our waitress as we were only half way done with dinner. At that moment I felt stuck, anxious, isolated, how do I get out of here. Thankfully I was able to stop crying and regain composure before the waitress came back. She was truly a great waitress, so kind, really busy and always had a smile on her face. She was very very busy and she never forgot anything. That’s really good for being so busy, but also for being pregnant!
On the way home, I was obviously thinking of Rachel, and what our lives would be like with her here. I wouldn’t have had a hysterectomy in Dec, we wouldn’t have bought a small crossover, I wouldn’t be working full time, but mostly I wouldn’t have an unbreakable bond with God and a rock solid marriage. I have blossomed relationships that I never knew were around, and so many people are praying and thinking of us and I see it!
I am very content to be moving out of the stage of “having babies” but wish that how I got out wasn’t my last experience.
This song below, wow! I dare you Read it out loud. Read it with emotion. Read it and listen to the words. They are powerful!
“Eye of the Storm” By Ryan Stevenson
When my hopes and dreams are far from me
And I’m running out of faith
I see the future I pictured slowly fade away
And when the tears of pain and heartache are pouring down my face
I find my peace in Jesus’ name
In the eye of the storm, You remain in control
In the middle of the war, You guard my soul
You alone are the anchor, when my sails are torn
Your love surrounds me, in the eye of the storm
When they let me go and I just don’t know
How I’m gonna make ends meet
I did my best
Now I’m scared to death
That we might lose everything
And when a sickness takes my child away
And there’s nothing I can do
My only hope is to trust You
I trust You LORD”
A Hope Filled Life 