Sunrise

October, I can’t believe it is already October and as much as I love Fall this month holds a bitter sweetness to it. This is the month that everyone suddenly remembers children that were lost to early, and babies born sleeping. I see Pink and Blue ribbons every time I log onto social media and read probably way to many articles that make my heart break more.  When Rachel Passed in 2016, the first October was odd, I was caught off guard by it like it’s been a secret that October is Child and Infant Loss awareness month, or this was the first one. EVER.  I knew people that had lost a child before, but never noticed or pay attention to October. I always felt like I was a compassionate and good friend, but I have realized, I missed out on so much of true Godly friendships. I was compassionate when people expressed their loss, or I heard about a loss, but I was a one and done compassionate griever. You might wonder what a one and done compassionate griever is, its the person that expresses sympathy when they hear that there was a tragedy, but then doesn’t do anything else. Says “I’ll pray for you” but then only would a fraction of the time. I was doing great if they entered my mind again, and I thought about them. I was very focused in my busy life, always wanted to talk about everything that was going on in our life, wanted sympathy if I didn’t get sleep with kiddos, wanted to always top the conversation or “win” in conversations. Have you ever done that? Talk and slightly exaggerate so that your day sounded more stressful, busy, or successful so that you could “win” and everyone praises or compliments you on what you went through.

One of my favorite day’s to do this too, was the November after we lost Rachel my husband went to work on a Saturday morning, I started to meal prep for Whole 30 and spent the day at home. Around 12pm, I called my husband because I had 4 meals that had to finish cooking in the oven and the oven wouldn’t heat up. He then proceeded to let me know that the breaks started to go out on his truck when he arrived at work so he was staying late to fix it quick.  After work he stopped at a construction site to pick something up, like some beam, and dropped it on his foot. No biggie right? Then that evening when he got home, he could barely walk and so we took him to ER and he had a broken toe. Instead of putting a cast on it we could use a walking boot (which we already have one from a previous toe incident). Once we got home, I went downstairs to get the book to find that our freezer door had been left open. WIDE. OPEN. We lost a quarter of a beef we had just gotten, and most of my tomatoes that I had froze to process over winter. So at 11pm at night I started hauling up laundry baskets of bad food, because well, Josh couldn’t with a broken toe.  See how I could turn that out to be a story to get AWW’s and reactions! Trust me I tried to type it down. Seriously.  I would tell everyone I could so they could experience it with me. I wanted to tell everyone the story, and wanted them to remember, but when they told me experiences of their lives I wasn’t present. I heard, and reacted but not listened and followed through.

Listening and following through are a lot harder than you think, it takes organization and dedication and mostly DISCIPLINE, but everything good comes from discipline. Losing Rachel had taught me some hard lessons in life. It has shown me what’s important, taught me to rely on the Love of the Lord, it leaves me satisfied with the love of my family, it has shown me that discipline is necessary and it has given me new eyes to see the world through. Just like every day the Lord gives us a new day, a new sunrise, a fresh start. Not only does he give us a new beginning every 24 HOURS, he designs it and makes it truly beautiful! The colors, designs, time span and detail that go into each sunrise, and the way that the sunrise effects the rest of the landscape, is it bright where it lights up the fields and houses, is it full of vibrant colors that bleed into the landscape, is it dull from clouds where colors seem darker? All these things change daily, with the blessing of a new Sunrise. On April 14th 2014, Rachel forever changed my sunrise. She is my ever changing Sunrise gift from God. She has changed me from the one and done griever, to one that cares deeply for others, wants to listen to others and wants to be there. I no longer want to be the someone who lets life pass them by, and doesn’t really get to know others. Relationships are vital to our life, vital to our happiness. I could say Rachel had taught me that, but that would be giving credit where credit isn’t due. God has given me so many blessings through losing Rachel. I enjoy Sunrises’s and Sunsets, and I enjoy a slower pace of life, saying no to things, so that I can foster Godly relationships, and truly be there to support and love my neighbors (aka everyone I know). When you see the sunrise, what are you going to focus on? Looking better than others, having the best story or how you can love and build your relationship with them.

In October 2016 there was a #captureyourgrief post going around that had daily topics to wirte about. I plan on doing that Day 1 was SUNRISE, I will always be a day behind as I think about the topic on the day, then write about it the next day.